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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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Rank: Advanced Member  Joined: 10/7/2008 Posts: 2,501 Location: Caldwell Tex
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I just got this and wanted to pas it on.
New Technology
I thought about the 38 years working, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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Hi Bro. Bruce i just wanted to say hello and to see how you are
doing with your advocate thing. How is the Bibles and coats your
giving going?
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Rank: Advanced Member  Joined: 3/3/2008 Posts: 11,145
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ROFLMBO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Br Bruce, that was SO funny!!!
Thanks!
Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth? - Galatians 4:16
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Rank: Advanced Member  Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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ROFL!
Good stuff Br Bruce, Keep on posting!
 ~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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Good Morning all how's it going today?
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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Message was deleted by User. ~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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sarge wrote:
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second'
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
I guess I am one of those guilty women because that there is funny!
It reminds me of something that happened when me and my brother were just kids.
My mom use to make us take a bath at night before we went to bed, but in the
mornings she liked to wash us up real quick down in the dining room while she was doing other things also.
One morning my brother was standing buck naked as my mom had a basin on the table and was proceeding to
wash him up real quick. As she was doing so one of our cats went up under the table and started swatting
at his little toy. My mom couldn't stop laughing and somehow my Aunt found out about it and Nicknamed him
Dingeling. Everytime the song "My Dingeling" would come on the radio we would and still do sing it to him
and he gets furious.
Its still funny to this day. Even though he doesn't share in with the laughter.LOL!
Love Mysticfox
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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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Message was deleted by User.
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 10/7/2008 Posts: 2,501 Location: Caldwell Tex
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Teacher Arrested at JFK Airport - Scary News
A teacher was arrested at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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rockingA wrote:Teacher Arrested at JFK Airport - Scary News
A teacher was arrested at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. Good Stuff Br Bruce!
ROFL,
Sarge  ~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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OBEDIENT WIFE: There once was a man who worked very hard all his life.
He saved every penny he made and was very stingy and prideful of his money. Just before he
died he made his wife promise that she would put all his money in a jar and bury it with
him, he wanted it all for himself in his afterlife. The old man died shortly after. At the
end of his service the obedient wife put a silver box in his casket. The undertakers shut
and locked the casket. The woman's friend was furious "Girl I know you did not put all that
money in his casket!" The wife replied "I promised, I cant go back on my word." "You mean to
tell me you really put all that money in the casket?" "I sure did," said the wife...I
gathered all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check...if he can cash it, he
can spend it!
~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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Dang It!
I missed you again.
I had to get off the computer for a few minutes to let
Candie use the phone.
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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candie wrote:
Dang It!
I missed you again.
I had to get off the computer for a few minutes to let
Candie use the phone.
Shoot! Sorry Jaybird, I had just got off-line when you posted. I was keeping an eye out for you too and missed you by just 3 minutes. Maybe we can visit tonight if were all not too tired.
K, see ya later and did you see that joke I posted last-night? I laughed for 10 minutes! lol
~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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Two blondes were going to the mall. When they got out of the car, they started tossing the car keys back and forth. One of the blondes missed, and the keys flew into the sewer drainpipe.
The other blonde tried to reach it but couldn't. So, she called a locksmith, and a cop. When the two got there, the blondes explained what happened, then the cop tried to reach the keys but couldn't.
Finally the locksmith opened the door. The blonde that missed the keys in the first place said,"Whew... for a second there I thought we might of needed to use the SPARE key." 
~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member Joined: 9/9/2008 Posts: 2,850
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ON A TRIP TO THE STATE'S ON A PRIVATE PLANE THERE WAS A LAWYER WHO WORKED FOR A BIG FIRM IN NEW YORK, A DOCTOR FROM D.C, AN ELDERLY MESSIANIC JEW FROM A SMALL TOWN, AND A LITTLE BOY FROM CHICAGO.
ON THERE WAY BACK TO THE STATE'S ONE OF THE ENGINES BLEW OUT AND THE PLANE BEGAN RAPIDLY FALLING OVER THE ATLANTIC, SO THE PILOT SAID IN A PANIC STATE OF MIND “THERE'S ONLY 4 PARACHUTES AVAILABLE AND WE WILL HAVE TO JUMP”, BUT WITHOUT THINKING OF HOW MANY PARACHUTES AND PEOPLE THERE WAS, THE PILOT JUMPED.
NOW IN THE MIST OF ALL THE CHAOS THE DOCTOR GRABBED ONE OF THE CHUTES AND TELLS ALL OF THEM, “I HOPE EVERY ONE UNDERSTANDS WHY I’M TAKING ONE. THERE ARE FEW DOCTOR'S IN THE WORLD AND AMERICA NEED'S PEOPLE LIKE ME TO SAVE PEOPLES LIFE'S.” AFTER HIS SPEECH HE JUMPED AND LANDED SAFELY...
NOW THERE ARE ONLY 2 PARACHUTES WITH 3 PEOPLE ON BOARD THE FALLING PLANE... WITHOUT A THOUGHT THE LAWYER RAISES UP AND GRAB'S THE PARACHUTE FROM THE LITTLE BOY'S HANDS AND TELL'S THEM, “LISTEN! I WORK FOR A MAJOR FIRM IN NEW YORK AND I HANDLE ALL SORT'S OF DISPUTES IN COURT. BESIDES, I HAVE ALOT TO LIVE FOR AND THE PEOPLE OF THIS WORLD NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO ARE SMART TO TEACH THE NOT SO SMART PEOPLE.” THEN AFTER HE WAS DONE HE JUMPED...
NOW THE GOD FEARING OLD JEWISH MAN LOOKED AT THE LITTLE BOY AND SAID, “MY SON I HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS AND OF FAITHFULNESS TO MY GOD AND HE KNOWS ALL MY DEEDS. I KNOW HE IS PLEASED WITH ME. BESIDES I AM NOW OLD AND HAVE LIVED LONG ENOUGH. I HAVE NO REGRETS, SO PLEASE TAKE THIS PARACHUTE AND SAVE YOUR SELF FOR YOU ARE THE FUTURE OF THIS WORLD!”
AS THE TEARS RAN DOWN THE LITTLE BOY'S FACE THE OLD JEWISH MAN TOLD HIM, “DON'T CRY FOR I WILL BE SAFE IN THE FATHER'S ARMS. HERE, TAKE THE PARACHUTE AND GO!”
THE LITTLE BOY REPLIED, "NO, THAT'S NOT IT SIR.”
SO THE OLD JEW ASKED, “THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
THE LITTLE BOY REPLIED, “BECAUSE, THE TOY MY MOMMY GAVE ME WAS IN MY BOOK BAG. THE SMART MAN WITH THE TIE AND SHIRT SNATCHED IT OUT OF MY HAND'S AND JUMPED WITH IT!”
~ Insults Should Be Written In Sand ~ Compliments Should Be Carved In Stone ~
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Rank: Advanced Member
Joined: 7/1/2008
Posts: 542
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ROFLMAO!
Thanks.
That's fuuny
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