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Outside looking in

My baby died on the 5th my 18 year old baby Julius. After a long
battle with illnesses aggravated by food poisoning a month ago he tried to recover. I can't tell you what it is like to watch dying for more
than a month but I will try. It is being afraid to get up for fear he
will be dead or fear he will be alive and still suffering. Praying
pleading and begging first to save him and then to take him. Two
bites every other day and every other day you think he is recovering.
Hope against hope that just maybe....It then becomes to late to get
him put to sleep as it is beyond the allotted time for decency. You
realize that he reaches a point of no return that if he was to survive
he had gotten to close to death to go back to what he was before this
last illness. And still you hope and then you plead for his death. I
got an enormous amount of sleep not wanting to know what I will wake up to. You live with a cat for 18 years and he is no longer a cat but your loving baby just as if he was a member of the human family. The last few days I prayed for Mercy for him and for me, the suffering was way more than I could handle watching him die for so long. Still it
was too hard to give up hope, too much to think of being without him. I cried everyday most of the day after the food poisoning until his death. I couldn't stop and although it was a relief when he died I
can't stop crying. What will I do without his love and quirks and his
talking when he was alone in another room and sharing my food with
him, he loved people food. And now after his death it is still too
much for me to handle. His 19 year old mom is due to die soon and I
pray I will have the strength to put her to sleep before it becomes
long and drawn out. Looking in from without they look like an extreme case of animal cruelty the results of the ravaging of diabetes and age and in Julius' case maybe cancer. Neither have complained of pain in their health battles, Only mercy I can see in this situation. Will I ever learn that what gives us food poisoning will also do the same to
an ailing cat??? I gave my cats fried chicken that was bloody at the
bone chicken bought at the store. The outside cats didn't seem
affected by it and his momma only vomited once a few days later but
That was the beginning of the end for Julius. Vomiting and diarrhea
and he stopped eating having never had diarrhea before I think he was
fearful of eating and so he just stopped for a week and then returned
to the 2 bites every other day to no avail. I begged pleaded cried
prayed to no avail. All the meds and a variety of foods I could muster did nothing to help.
I thought he is just a cat, he doesn't understand what is happening, an innocent animal that should not be punished that only gave his love and comfort to a human. Why make him suffer, take him take him or make him well but don't let this happen to him and intern to me. That is the difference between a human and an animal, they don't understand and are innocent victims. What good lesson was there here?? The lowest point in my life. I don't think I will ever know. I lost my faith in Gods love for me and am in doubt and in misery as a result of this. MERCY, what's that? "Just a cat" you say? After 18 years, you are so wrong!
At this point I don't feel like I will recover this.
Another thing that came out of this is that I wanted so for someone to grieve with me for Julius. Someone that would be sad for him. I don't know why that was so important but I ached for someone to care along with me.
Why was this so different for me than the death of my daughter you ask? Because someone dying for 33 days is just to much to watch and not be able to do anything to help. I don't know if his momma grieves for him, she was always mean to him and he always loved her. She does seem a little sad, I would hope so anyway.
I hope God takes Turtle, Julius' mom almost immediately after signs of failure as I have proven if left up to me I will wait and wait and wait with hope at their expense. My guilt is extreme over this.